Love without terms

I love you but...


I think one of the worst sentences I have heard, and heard often start like this. Maybe I am an idealist, maybe I think too highly on things or have a bloated sense of opinion on the subject. But any time I hear "I love you but" it is always followed up by something someone who claims to love or care wants to change about me.


I love you but you could stand to lose weight.
I love you but you should really go out more.
I love you but your clothes are drab, you should try this do that...blah blah blather.


So many times people fail to see how words affect others when they use them. So many times I see love with these terms and conditions. I often find myself wanting to ask "and if I do not change this about myself?" I am sure I'll get the obligatory "oh we would still love you." But you cannot help feel after hearing that if its true. Because to me who you are as a human makes you unique. You may not be everyones cup of tea and that is fine. But to have those who want to be close to you make you feel anything but special, why do we humans put up with that? 


One of the worst things a friend or someone I love can do around me is put themselves down. I hate that with a passion. To the point where I have gotten uncharacteristically angry for them doing it around me. Why? Because I know the pain of having flaws constantly pointed out. I know what it is like to lay in bed with someone I trusted to be intimate with and have him say "you would be so hotter if you lost a few pounds." That is one of many insultpliments (new word I mashed up) that people sadly feel the need to launch at me but think it cushions the blow with "I love you but."




I honestly think that is why I don't actively persue meaningless relationships anymore, be it friendships, romantic or anything else. Its not that I want to shield myself from scruntiny, I just find that many don't think about the words they use even towards a love one. Finding someone who understands the power of what they say or even what they do not say is so rare. I have found so very few and none of them are close enough to me currently for it to matter. So I take solace in solitude, I enjoy the other things in live that are abundant, plants, animals raising my child. Writing, good music and food. Gaming reading all the things that inspire love in me but do not cause me to doubt if they love me back. And yeah I know its because they cannot but still I think my point is clear. We place too many conditions on our feelings, too many restrictions and ideals we place upon others to have a perfect being. I think at times we often see things in ourselves we do not love and inflict that upon others. It is a sad pattern I try so hard to avoid, but even I know the mindset is there. It is ingrained in us to try to "fix" things be it our partners, family or friends. Instead of cherishing who they are. They may have a habit we do not like, a quick, a flaw or an issue. And without thinking "the last thing a person who lets you into their lives needs is someone telling them they need to change." We often do this, be it a insultpliment, barb, dig or causual comment. The worst end of the spectrum is the nagging or arguing, thinking you will force someone into being that person you want them to be. I have quietly observed this many times and it is always unfortunate. Watching someone be torn down by a person they love is as painful as having it done to myself. Hearing the words that tear people down offends me, maybe its due to being sensitive or feeling my own hurt when I see it done to others. I don't know, what I do know is when I choose to allow relationships into my life or allow my guard down enough to love someone again I wont be using that sentence with them ever. They do not have to be perfect they don't even have to be great to anyone else but me, but one thing is for sure they will never be torn down nor will I let them tear themselves down around me.


The same goes for my son, already I have had to curb the negative due to outside influences of him thinking he "isn't" things. I make it a point each day to tell him the good things about himself because I want him to have confidence, I want him to trust in himself, and I want him to do that to others. It should be something learned to children to find the good, and while yes its hard to ignore what some deem as bad. Tearing a person down will not "fix them." It will only harbor hatred and resentment believe me I know. I guess it is my hope that one day humans push passed the petty limits we place on ourselves. Learn to accept the differences and love truly unconditionally or be wise enough to know what you cannot love and keep away from such. To me it seems so simple yet its not done, I guess I was born into this world at the wrong time. Well that is my musing for this round.