So its Sunday night coming down from an exciting episode of The Walking Dead, chatting with my best bud reading stuff on Face book. I wont lie was an emotional day, off and on my mind thought up things and I felt a genuine sadness that took me a bit to shake. I know its a mesh of so many things, frustrations, fear and tiredness but there is so much more.
I joined a really good group of people who share the same personality quirks as I do on Facebook. And reading about peoples pain really got to me. I used to think I suffered alone, that no one could understand what its like being so complex. Now that I know I am not the only one its comforting. But seeing some lament about over thinking, about holding on to things really got to me. Because like them I do the same.
So why the late night blog?
Well I made a point to another member about holding onto memories even painful ones, how even when I think I am okay my mind will bring up something that hurts just to be a dick. Tonight while viewing another friend's pic of her with her Dad I broke down again. My buddy who is probably waiting for me to respond to his post has no idea I am sitting here in tears (sixth time today actually) over something that shouldn't get me so worked up but does.
I'll be honest as much as I wanted a relationship with my father he was not around. He had the choice to be and he chose otherwise. It took me a long time to get over the resentment of that and when I finally did and we got the chance to reconnect I blink and he was dead. It seemed like life just wanted to kick me straight in the ass in a big way. "Haha you want to try for a relationship with your dad now? Too bad!" It hurt I hurt but I kept it in, it took me watching a late night sitcom one night to burst out into tears scaring the heck out of my then husband. It just all came forward seeing a father comforting his daughter. Now I constantly find myself green eying friends who still have their dads and I hate myself for it. I know its not their fault and I know they would forgive my jealousy but It hits me hard.
I think it also affects me due to James being fatherless, I know I made the best choice for us, but I fear he will grow up like I did full of resentment because his father chose freedom over responsibility. I hate that I have basically repeated the same damn cycle and am watching this beautiful bright little boy grow up without the one parent that should really be there especially as he gets closer to his teens. I know I say I don't want marriage again and I am serious about that, but I do admit to longing to find someone who wants to make this home complete again. And I fear it wont happen. So I watch quietly as another friend announces an engagement or posts pics of their SO and think it will never be me and I hate that.
Jealousy is like a virus, it creeps into your system rotting you from the inside out. I know I have to figure out a way to combat this, I just hope I can.
Enough musing for now...
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