Physical intimacy scares me...
Now that I have admitted that much, its strange, I sometimes crave what I fear. It is a crazy mixed up mesh of desiring something I am not even sure I can truly enjoy. I will be painfully honest about a few things, one it has been over ten years since my last act of intimacy with another being, totally my choice though. Also the last few years of my marriage I would use the "leaving myself" method to get through things? Why? Because for me sexual acts have always been a tough road to tread. After being attacked at fourteen I put a insulation around myself mainly my weight thinking A. It would make no one desire me, and B. if they did I could weed out the ones generally interested by just a chubby chaser or so I thought. I can honestly admit I have a warped sense of desire that I fear I will never find a partner for. Its why I am happy for the reasons I shun intimacy. I know some will say "You can't always use your child as an excuse not to find a partner, but let's face it in this day and age its very hard to trust someone around the one being in this world I am going to protect with my very life if needed. Then there is the fact that it is so hard to let the guard that I have down.
I still find people desirable, I have made awkward attempts at bringing people close, but it is not easy. Often I tend to let my brain talk me out of anything seriously. IT really can be hard to believe that anyone is into me, or I question just why they are. The thought of being burned again or worst falling again for a one sided romance makes it a challenge to respond to anyone looking my way. And I often feel that especially on the internet there is just a sad desperation of people who crave someone but in the wrong ways. I want to fall in love with a beings mind, I want them to completely be one of the third thoughts I have in the morning. Someone who understands that loving me will not be easy but a challenge worth trying for. I have had a few make attempts but the minute I close up, they give up. I have had others who I on the rare chance try to attempt and did not reciprocate or gave the feeling that one in they were comfortable enough to take it for granted. Now I often wonder if I will just opt to stay alone. I know it may sound melo dramatic, but I know I am not alone on this. There are many out there like me who both crave yet fear the thought of letting someone into our world. Especially when we are used to being on our own, it is like taking a run down house carefully fixing it up. Getting it just the way you like it then having someone come in and start tearing at the panels, leaving foot prints callously or worst burning the place down. Some may find that an extreme but for me personally it happened.
I went from seeing my partner as desirable to an stranger or enemy...
You see almost 19 years ago I met someone who swept me off my feet, the time and way he entered my life had been right for me to try a new path. I had been living in Florida a full year working hard at a grocery chain. I had a small group of friends, one people assumed I was intimate with but we were just best buds. Then my ex walked into my life, he seemed shy at first, approaching me to help him find some form of aftershave. Then asked me out, I dunno what it was about him that night but I shrugged said okay and figured "id probably not see this dude again." The next day went to work got roses and next I knew was in a relationship. It felt that whirlwind. Maybe it was the stress of other things in my life, or maybe I just thought I was ready for a chance after years of avoiding intimacy. After ditching my then high school sweetheart to try a new life because I knew I could never give him the things he wanted. With my ex we ended up being physical almost from the beginning until one day he made a callous comment and while I stayed with him the dynamic of things changed. I no longer was there emotionally, sure I felt somethings but my mind would retreat. I know some will not understand, it is something that happened when I was attacked, I took my mind to another place during the act so that I could not be assaulted on all fronts. It was a defense mechanism that I thought I would have only used in such situations but it ended up being the only way I could be intimate with my ex husband. The sad thing is I don't think he even ever suspected it. And that is my biggest fear of letting another in. What if I go into that mode? Would he be intuned enough to realize, to want to bring me out of that to make pleasure mutual?
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