Dealing with a Bully

Hello my name is Tynisa and I am an adult who is dealing with a bully.


Admitting this is not easy for me, but it is one of the steps I am taking, to resolving the issue at hand. How did I come to the conclusion that I was dealing with a bully? It was not easy, especially since this person is someone who I care for and I believe in a warped way cares for me. But after taking time to think about the situation, and upon several instances where lines were crossed. It is evident that this being does not respect my own personal boundaries, and feels their way is better than allowing me to live my own life, and raise my child. To be up front they helped me out in a situation that I truly felt was bad enough to get away from. I was in financial dire straits, worried about eviction, not even able to buy clothes for my son for the upcoming school year. It was a stressful time, and I took a route offered that seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I was allowed to live rent free with this person and they helped me immensely. I followed things in their house respectfully because I believe that when you are in another person's house you respect what they have as house rules. And they did not have to make such an offer especially allow us to stay there without paying them. Because of this I allowed myself to be put into uncomfortable situations to appear normal. Forced social settings that left me drained, being told how to raise my child including blatantly trying to enforce things that stressed the both him and myself out, all in the hopes that yes this would make our lives better.


I will say there were positive benefits from accepting their offer of help. Both my son and I did experience weight loss, something that had become an serious issue. My son is now in a great school and has improved on reading, writing and social skills. I found work and was able to save money turn what was a stressful situation into living in my own place, and learned yes I can live on my own. And for the most part it has been such an amazing experience, one I once feared but now cherish. But there is a darker situation looming in the background that I pushed aside and ignored to the point where it became the issue that sparked this confession today. You see having to go and ask for help took a real hit to my confidence, humbling myself to make a better life for son and I was not easy. I had to hurt a person I love by telling them I need to take them out of my life to make things better. And while that relationship is repairing, I do not think it will be the same for this one. My main reason for this is believing that is because this person has no idea they are a bully. And even if you say this they will not believe so. This person is also surrounded by people who allow them to continue this behavior unchallenged. So when someone dares speak up you are treated as if you are being ungrateful for all they have done for you. They express the want to help and care, and concern seeming near martyr like. Then they switch up and barrage you with negative comments, treat you as if you are a complete incompetent without them.  Add to that this person knows I have a introverted personality and that I have a mental illness. They also know that I do not like dealing with confrontation. And that I also have a tendency to try to please people. It is a coping mechanism I have used so that people do not think I am weird for my flaws and shun me for such. Because of this, that person has taken it upon themselves to over step boundaries that should never be over stepped in the name of "helping." It got as far as them making comments to my son that he finally cried to me about which should have been my breaking point but I did not stand up for him or myself and that is the shame I must deal with now.  To also addressing me on how to shop, what to eat, how to care for my child (including upset that I his mother took him to the doctors without them)as if their methods are the only way to do so. The constant lack of respect of me as an adult has come to a head where I finally wrote them a letter stating how I feel and why I feel it is time to give me and my son space. But I know that by doing that I have only opened up a wormhole of conflict.


This person is used to getting their way, used to making others feel bad about themselves so that they can feel important enough to be needed. As someone who is used to quietly observing others, taking in what they do and say and what they do not say thier MO is painfully clear. They exploit a weakness in another be it their confidence, their intelligence or lack of confidence in such, and assert the thought that "you cannot do things without me." To them it is natural to be needed, it makes them feel better about themselves. They tear you down as a person so that you second guess and question yourself. Talk you into things that you do not want to do or feel comfortable doing because "they know best." I can tell you right now I have been through that far too many times in my life. From friends to my ex husband to others close to me that line of "you cannot handle things, or you will not be able to handle things without me" is a control tactic I am sick of. And at 37 it is now the time to say enough. I am a decent person, I am a quiet person and for the most part I am happy. But the more important part is my son is happy. Our happiness should never come under threat because his mother cannot stand up to an obvious bully. But I will say it is not easy, this bully will come at me with ammo blazing attacking my personal appearance, my life style choices and other things that are none of their concern or business. They are of the mindset that our being family is enough to over step bounds. Then and I do fear will throw up the fact that they took me in when I was in need instead of seeing that it was helpful but now they need to back off.


I realize now I truly have to face this person and get them completely out of my personal space for my son's and my own mental health. I know by doing so it will cause a riff, will possibly cause me stress that I don't need or want right now. But it is necessary, because this person is used to getting their way. They are going to try to manipulate the situation and already have tried to (IE in calling right before I am starting a long work day to stress me out. This was after the letter I wrote to them telling them when I was off work if they wished to talk I would gladly be available to.) But you see with someone like that it takes the control away. I already decided not to play into that, since I had informed them when I get off work if they wished to talk we could do so then. But I know confrontation is inevitable, they don't respect me as an adult, so of course I am bracing myself for a torrent of nastiness because I am not playing their way. You see people like that they thrive on the thought that they are smarter then the person they are trying to bully. They are trying once again to control the situation and this time I am going take my own control. This was not easy for me to admit but I think the time to shed light on it is long over due. No one should be made to feel incompetent by someone claiming to love them. No one should have a person stepping over personal and parental bounds or being disrespected because they accepted help. If a person is doing things on their own it should be encouraged not taken as a sign of insult. Treating an adult as if they are incapable of functioning without you is the major mark of a bully, and I am not going to allow this kind of behavior in my life anymore.