So its Sunday night coming down from an exciting episode of The Walking Dead, chatting with my best bud reading stuff on Face book. I wont lie was an emotional day, off and on my mind thought up things and I felt a genuine sadness that took me a bit to shake. I know its a mesh of so many things, frustrations, fear and tiredness but there is so much more.
I joined a really good group of people who share the same personality quirks as I do on Facebook. And reading about peoples pain really got to me. I used to think I suffered alone, that no one could understand what its like being so complex. Now that I know I am not the only one its comforting. But seeing some lament about over thinking, about holding on to things really got to me. Because like them I do the same.
So why the late night blog?
Well I made a point to another member about holding onto memories even painful ones, how even when I think I am okay my mind will bring up something that hurts just to be a dick. Tonight while viewing another friend's pic of her with her Dad I broke down again. My buddy who is probably waiting for me to respond to his post has no idea I am sitting here in tears (sixth time today actually) over something that shouldn't get me so worked up but does.
I'll be honest as much as I wanted a relationship with my father he was not around. He had the choice to be and he chose otherwise. It took me a long time to get over the resentment of that and when I finally did and we got the chance to reconnect I blink and he was dead. It seemed like life just wanted to kick me straight in the ass in a big way. "Haha you want to try for a relationship with your dad now? Too bad!" It hurt I hurt but I kept it in, it took me watching a late night sitcom one night to burst out into tears scaring the heck out of my then husband. It just all came forward seeing a father comforting his daughter. Now I constantly find myself green eying friends who still have their dads and I hate myself for it. I know its not their fault and I know they would forgive my jealousy but It hits me hard.
I think it also affects me due to James being fatherless, I know I made the best choice for us, but I fear he will grow up like I did full of resentment because his father chose freedom over responsibility. I hate that I have basically repeated the same damn cycle and am watching this beautiful bright little boy grow up without the one parent that should really be there especially as he gets closer to his teens. I know I say I don't want marriage again and I am serious about that, but I do admit to longing to find someone who wants to make this home complete again. And I fear it wont happen. So I watch quietly as another friend announces an engagement or posts pics of their SO and think it will never be me and I hate that.
Jealousy is like a virus, it creeps into your system rotting you from the inside out. I know I have to figure out a way to combat this, I just hope I can.
Enough musing for now...
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
Dealing with Desire needs or running from them...
Physical intimacy scares me...
Now that I have admitted that much, its strange, I sometimes crave what I fear. It is a crazy mixed up mesh of desiring something I am not even sure I can truly enjoy. I will be painfully honest about a few things, one it has been over ten years since my last act of intimacy with another being, totally my choice though. Also the last few years of my marriage I would use the "leaving myself" method to get through things? Why? Because for me sexual acts have always been a tough road to tread. After being attacked at fourteen I put a insulation around myself mainly my weight thinking A. It would make no one desire me, and B. if they did I could weed out the ones generally interested by just a chubby chaser or so I thought. I can honestly admit I have a warped sense of desire that I fear I will never find a partner for. Its why I am happy for the reasons I shun intimacy. I know some will say "You can't always use your child as an excuse not to find a partner, but let's face it in this day and age its very hard to trust someone around the one being in this world I am going to protect with my very life if needed. Then there is the fact that it is so hard to let the guard that I have down.
I still find people desirable, I have made awkward attempts at bringing people close, but it is not easy. Often I tend to let my brain talk me out of anything seriously. IT really can be hard to believe that anyone is into me, or I question just why they are. The thought of being burned again or worst falling again for a one sided romance makes it a challenge to respond to anyone looking my way. And I often feel that especially on the internet there is just a sad desperation of people who crave someone but in the wrong ways. I want to fall in love with a beings mind, I want them to completely be one of the third thoughts I have in the morning. Someone who understands that loving me will not be easy but a challenge worth trying for. I have had a few make attempts but the minute I close up, they give up. I have had others who I on the rare chance try to attempt and did not reciprocate or gave the feeling that one in they were comfortable enough to take it for granted. Now I often wonder if I will just opt to stay alone. I know it may sound melo dramatic, but I know I am not alone on this. There are many out there like me who both crave yet fear the thought of letting someone into our world. Especially when we are used to being on our own, it is like taking a run down house carefully fixing it up. Getting it just the way you like it then having someone come in and start tearing at the panels, leaving foot prints callously or worst burning the place down. Some may find that an extreme but for me personally it happened.
I went from seeing my partner as desirable to an stranger or enemy...
You see almost 19 years ago I met someone who swept me off my feet, the time and way he entered my life had been right for me to try a new path. I had been living in Florida a full year working hard at a grocery chain. I had a small group of friends, one people assumed I was intimate with but we were just best buds. Then my ex walked into my life, he seemed shy at first, approaching me to help him find some form of aftershave. Then asked me out, I dunno what it was about him that night but I shrugged said okay and figured "id probably not see this dude again." The next day went to work got roses and next I knew was in a relationship. It felt that whirlwind. Maybe it was the stress of other things in my life, or maybe I just thought I was ready for a chance after years of avoiding intimacy. After ditching my then high school sweetheart to try a new life because I knew I could never give him the things he wanted. With my ex we ended up being physical almost from the beginning until one day he made a callous comment and while I stayed with him the dynamic of things changed. I no longer was there emotionally, sure I felt somethings but my mind would retreat. I know some will not understand, it is something that happened when I was attacked, I took my mind to another place during the act so that I could not be assaulted on all fronts. It was a defense mechanism that I thought I would have only used in such situations but it ended up being the only way I could be intimate with my ex husband. The sad thing is I don't think he even ever suspected it. And that is my biggest fear of letting another in. What if I go into that mode? Would he be intuned enough to realize, to want to bring me out of that to make pleasure mutual?
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Love without terms
I love you but...
I think one of the worst sentences I have heard, and heard often start like this. Maybe I am an idealist, maybe I think too highly on things or have a bloated sense of opinion on the subject. But any time I hear "I love you but" it is always followed up by something someone who claims to love or care wants to change about me.
I love you but you could stand to lose weight.
I love you but you should really go out more.
I love you but your clothes are drab, you should try this do that...blah blah blather.
So many times people fail to see how words affect others when they use them. So many times I see love with these terms and conditions. I often find myself wanting to ask "and if I do not change this about myself?" I am sure I'll get the obligatory "oh we would still love you." But you cannot help feel after hearing that if its true. Because to me who you are as a human makes you unique. You may not be everyones cup of tea and that is fine. But to have those who want to be close to you make you feel anything but special, why do we humans put up with that?
One of the worst things a friend or someone I love can do around me is put themselves down. I hate that with a passion. To the point where I have gotten uncharacteristically angry for them doing it around me. Why? Because I know the pain of having flaws constantly pointed out. I know what it is like to lay in bed with someone I trusted to be intimate with and have him say "you would be so hotter if you lost a few pounds." That is one of many insultpliments (new word I mashed up) that people sadly feel the need to launch at me but think it cushions the blow with "I love you but."
I honestly think that is why I don't actively persue meaningless relationships anymore, be it friendships, romantic or anything else. Its not that I want to shield myself from scruntiny, I just find that many don't think about the words they use even towards a love one. Finding someone who understands the power of what they say or even what they do not say is so rare. I have found so very few and none of them are close enough to me currently for it to matter. So I take solace in solitude, I enjoy the other things in live that are abundant, plants, animals raising my child. Writing, good music and food. Gaming reading all the things that inspire love in me but do not cause me to doubt if they love me back. And yeah I know its because they cannot but still I think my point is clear. We place too many conditions on our feelings, too many restrictions and ideals we place upon others to have a perfect being. I think at times we often see things in ourselves we do not love and inflict that upon others. It is a sad pattern I try so hard to avoid, but even I know the mindset is there. It is ingrained in us to try to "fix" things be it our partners, family or friends. Instead of cherishing who they are. They may have a habit we do not like, a quick, a flaw or an issue. And without thinking "the last thing a person who lets you into their lives needs is someone telling them they need to change." We often do this, be it a insultpliment, barb, dig or causual comment. The worst end of the spectrum is the nagging or arguing, thinking you will force someone into being that person you want them to be. I have quietly observed this many times and it is always unfortunate. Watching someone be torn down by a person they love is as painful as having it done to myself. Hearing the words that tear people down offends me, maybe its due to being sensitive or feeling my own hurt when I see it done to others. I don't know, what I do know is when I choose to allow relationships into my life or allow my guard down enough to love someone again I wont be using that sentence with them ever. They do not have to be perfect they don't even have to be great to anyone else but me, but one thing is for sure they will never be torn down nor will I let them tear themselves down around me.
The same goes for my son, already I have had to curb the negative due to outside influences of him thinking he "isn't" things. I make it a point each day to tell him the good things about himself because I want him to have confidence, I want him to trust in himself, and I want him to do that to others. It should be something learned to children to find the good, and while yes its hard to ignore what some deem as bad. Tearing a person down will not "fix them." It will only harbor hatred and resentment believe me I know. I guess it is my hope that one day humans push passed the petty limits we place on ourselves. Learn to accept the differences and love truly unconditionally or be wise enough to know what you cannot love and keep away from such. To me it seems so simple yet its not done, I guess I was born into this world at the wrong time. Well that is my musing for this round.
I think one of the worst sentences I have heard, and heard often start like this. Maybe I am an idealist, maybe I think too highly on things or have a bloated sense of opinion on the subject. But any time I hear "I love you but" it is always followed up by something someone who claims to love or care wants to change about me.
I love you but you could stand to lose weight.
I love you but you should really go out more.
I love you but your clothes are drab, you should try this do that...blah blah blather.
So many times people fail to see how words affect others when they use them. So many times I see love with these terms and conditions. I often find myself wanting to ask "and if I do not change this about myself?" I am sure I'll get the obligatory "oh we would still love you." But you cannot help feel after hearing that if its true. Because to me who you are as a human makes you unique. You may not be everyones cup of tea and that is fine. But to have those who want to be close to you make you feel anything but special, why do we humans put up with that?
One of the worst things a friend or someone I love can do around me is put themselves down. I hate that with a passion. To the point where I have gotten uncharacteristically angry for them doing it around me. Why? Because I know the pain of having flaws constantly pointed out. I know what it is like to lay in bed with someone I trusted to be intimate with and have him say "you would be so hotter if you lost a few pounds." That is one of many insultpliments (new word I mashed up) that people sadly feel the need to launch at me but think it cushions the blow with "I love you but."
I honestly think that is why I don't actively persue meaningless relationships anymore, be it friendships, romantic or anything else. Its not that I want to shield myself from scruntiny, I just find that many don't think about the words they use even towards a love one. Finding someone who understands the power of what they say or even what they do not say is so rare. I have found so very few and none of them are close enough to me currently for it to matter. So I take solace in solitude, I enjoy the other things in live that are abundant, plants, animals raising my child. Writing, good music and food. Gaming reading all the things that inspire love in me but do not cause me to doubt if they love me back. And yeah I know its because they cannot but still I think my point is clear. We place too many conditions on our feelings, too many restrictions and ideals we place upon others to have a perfect being. I think at times we often see things in ourselves we do not love and inflict that upon others. It is a sad pattern I try so hard to avoid, but even I know the mindset is there. It is ingrained in us to try to "fix" things be it our partners, family or friends. Instead of cherishing who they are. They may have a habit we do not like, a quick, a flaw or an issue. And without thinking "the last thing a person who lets you into their lives needs is someone telling them they need to change." We often do this, be it a insultpliment, barb, dig or causual comment. The worst end of the spectrum is the nagging or arguing, thinking you will force someone into being that person you want them to be. I have quietly observed this many times and it is always unfortunate. Watching someone be torn down by a person they love is as painful as having it done to myself. Hearing the words that tear people down offends me, maybe its due to being sensitive or feeling my own hurt when I see it done to others. I don't know, what I do know is when I choose to allow relationships into my life or allow my guard down enough to love someone again I wont be using that sentence with them ever. They do not have to be perfect they don't even have to be great to anyone else but me, but one thing is for sure they will never be torn down nor will I let them tear themselves down around me.
The same goes for my son, already I have had to curb the negative due to outside influences of him thinking he "isn't" things. I make it a point each day to tell him the good things about himself because I want him to have confidence, I want him to trust in himself, and I want him to do that to others. It should be something learned to children to find the good, and while yes its hard to ignore what some deem as bad. Tearing a person down will not "fix them." It will only harbor hatred and resentment believe me I know. I guess it is my hope that one day humans push passed the petty limits we place on ourselves. Learn to accept the differences and love truly unconditionally or be wise enough to know what you cannot love and keep away from such. To me it seems so simple yet its not done, I guess I was born into this world at the wrong time. Well that is my musing for this round.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Dealing with a Bully
Hello my name is Tynisa and I am an adult who is dealing with a bully.
Admitting this is not easy for me, but it is one of the steps I am taking, to resolving the issue at hand. How did I come to the conclusion that I was dealing with a bully? It was not easy, especially since this person is someone who I care for and I believe in a warped way cares for me. But after taking time to think about the situation, and upon several instances where lines were crossed. It is evident that this being does not respect my own personal boundaries, and feels their way is better than allowing me to live my own life, and raise my child. To be up front they helped me out in a situation that I truly felt was bad enough to get away from. I was in financial dire straits, worried about eviction, not even able to buy clothes for my son for the upcoming school year. It was a stressful time, and I took a route offered that seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I was allowed to live rent free with this person and they helped me immensely. I followed things in their house respectfully because I believe that when you are in another person's house you respect what they have as house rules. And they did not have to make such an offer especially allow us to stay there without paying them. Because of this I allowed myself to be put into uncomfortable situations to appear normal. Forced social settings that left me drained, being told how to raise my child including blatantly trying to enforce things that stressed the both him and myself out, all in the hopes that yes this would make our lives better.
I will say there were positive benefits from accepting their offer of help. Both my son and I did experience weight loss, something that had become an serious issue. My son is now in a great school and has improved on reading, writing and social skills. I found work and was able to save money turn what was a stressful situation into living in my own place, and learned yes I can live on my own. And for the most part it has been such an amazing experience, one I once feared but now cherish. But there is a darker situation looming in the background that I pushed aside and ignored to the point where it became the issue that sparked this confession today. You see having to go and ask for help took a real hit to my confidence, humbling myself to make a better life for son and I was not easy. I had to hurt a person I love by telling them I need to take them out of my life to make things better. And while that relationship is repairing, I do not think it will be the same for this one. My main reason for this is believing that is because this person has no idea they are a bully. And even if you say this they will not believe so. This person is also surrounded by people who allow them to continue this behavior unchallenged. So when someone dares speak up you are treated as if you are being ungrateful for all they have done for you. They express the want to help and care, and concern seeming near martyr like. Then they switch up and barrage you with negative comments, treat you as if you are a complete incompetent without them. Add to that this person knows I have a introverted personality and that I have a mental illness. They also know that I do not like dealing with confrontation. And that I also have a tendency to try to please people. It is a coping mechanism I have used so that people do not think I am weird for my flaws and shun me for such. Because of this, that person has taken it upon themselves to over step boundaries that should never be over stepped in the name of "helping." It got as far as them making comments to my son that he finally cried to me about which should have been my breaking point but I did not stand up for him or myself and that is the shame I must deal with now. To also addressing me on how to shop, what to eat, how to care for my child (including upset that I his mother took him to the doctors without them)as if their methods are the only way to do so. The constant lack of respect of me as an adult has come to a head where I finally wrote them a letter stating how I feel and why I feel it is time to give me and my son space. But I know that by doing that I have only opened up a wormhole of conflict.
This person is used to getting their way, used to making others feel bad about themselves so that they can feel important enough to be needed. As someone who is used to quietly observing others, taking in what they do and say and what they do not say thier MO is painfully clear. They exploit a weakness in another be it their confidence, their intelligence or lack of confidence in such, and assert the thought that "you cannot do things without me." To them it is natural to be needed, it makes them feel better about themselves. They tear you down as a person so that you second guess and question yourself. Talk you into things that you do not want to do or feel comfortable doing because "they know best." I can tell you right now I have been through that far too many times in my life. From friends to my ex husband to others close to me that line of "you cannot handle things, or you will not be able to handle things without me" is a control tactic I am sick of. And at 37 it is now the time to say enough. I am a decent person, I am a quiet person and for the most part I am happy. But the more important part is my son is happy. Our happiness should never come under threat because his mother cannot stand up to an obvious bully. But I will say it is not easy, this bully will come at me with ammo blazing attacking my personal appearance, my life style choices and other things that are none of their concern or business. They are of the mindset that our being family is enough to over step bounds. Then and I do fear will throw up the fact that they took me in when I was in need instead of seeing that it was helpful but now they need to back off.
I realize now I truly have to face this person and get them completely out of my personal space for my son's and my own mental health. I know by doing so it will cause a riff, will possibly cause me stress that I don't need or want right now. But it is necessary, because this person is used to getting their way. They are going to try to manipulate the situation and already have tried to (IE in calling right before I am starting a long work day to stress me out. This was after the letter I wrote to them telling them when I was off work if they wished to talk I would gladly be available to.) But you see with someone like that it takes the control away. I already decided not to play into that, since I had informed them when I get off work if they wished to talk we could do so then. But I know confrontation is inevitable, they don't respect me as an adult, so of course I am bracing myself for a torrent of nastiness because I am not playing their way. You see people like that they thrive on the thought that they are smarter then the person they are trying to bully. They are trying once again to control the situation and this time I am going take my own control. This was not easy for me to admit but I think the time to shed light on it is long over due. No one should be made to feel incompetent by someone claiming to love them. No one should have a person stepping over personal and parental bounds or being disrespected because they accepted help. If a person is doing things on their own it should be encouraged not taken as a sign of insult. Treating an adult as if they are incapable of functioning without you is the major mark of a bully, and I am not going to allow this kind of behavior in my life anymore.
Admitting this is not easy for me, but it is one of the steps I am taking, to resolving the issue at hand. How did I come to the conclusion that I was dealing with a bully? It was not easy, especially since this person is someone who I care for and I believe in a warped way cares for me. But after taking time to think about the situation, and upon several instances where lines were crossed. It is evident that this being does not respect my own personal boundaries, and feels their way is better than allowing me to live my own life, and raise my child. To be up front they helped me out in a situation that I truly felt was bad enough to get away from. I was in financial dire straits, worried about eviction, not even able to buy clothes for my son for the upcoming school year. It was a stressful time, and I took a route offered that seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I was allowed to live rent free with this person and they helped me immensely. I followed things in their house respectfully because I believe that when you are in another person's house you respect what they have as house rules. And they did not have to make such an offer especially allow us to stay there without paying them. Because of this I allowed myself to be put into uncomfortable situations to appear normal. Forced social settings that left me drained, being told how to raise my child including blatantly trying to enforce things that stressed the both him and myself out, all in the hopes that yes this would make our lives better.
I will say there were positive benefits from accepting their offer of help. Both my son and I did experience weight loss, something that had become an serious issue. My son is now in a great school and has improved on reading, writing and social skills. I found work and was able to save money turn what was a stressful situation into living in my own place, and learned yes I can live on my own. And for the most part it has been such an amazing experience, one I once feared but now cherish. But there is a darker situation looming in the background that I pushed aside and ignored to the point where it became the issue that sparked this confession today. You see having to go and ask for help took a real hit to my confidence, humbling myself to make a better life for son and I was not easy. I had to hurt a person I love by telling them I need to take them out of my life to make things better. And while that relationship is repairing, I do not think it will be the same for this one. My main reason for this is believing that is because this person has no idea they are a bully. And even if you say this they will not believe so. This person is also surrounded by people who allow them to continue this behavior unchallenged. So when someone dares speak up you are treated as if you are being ungrateful for all they have done for you. They express the want to help and care, and concern seeming near martyr like. Then they switch up and barrage you with negative comments, treat you as if you are a complete incompetent without them. Add to that this person knows I have a introverted personality and that I have a mental illness. They also know that I do not like dealing with confrontation. And that I also have a tendency to try to please people. It is a coping mechanism I have used so that people do not think I am weird for my flaws and shun me for such. Because of this, that person has taken it upon themselves to over step boundaries that should never be over stepped in the name of "helping." It got as far as them making comments to my son that he finally cried to me about which should have been my breaking point but I did not stand up for him or myself and that is the shame I must deal with now. To also addressing me on how to shop, what to eat, how to care for my child (including upset that I his mother took him to the doctors without them)as if their methods are the only way to do so. The constant lack of respect of me as an adult has come to a head where I finally wrote them a letter stating how I feel and why I feel it is time to give me and my son space. But I know that by doing that I have only opened up a wormhole of conflict.
This person is used to getting their way, used to making others feel bad about themselves so that they can feel important enough to be needed. As someone who is used to quietly observing others, taking in what they do and say and what they do not say thier MO is painfully clear. They exploit a weakness in another be it their confidence, their intelligence or lack of confidence in such, and assert the thought that "you cannot do things without me." To them it is natural to be needed, it makes them feel better about themselves. They tear you down as a person so that you second guess and question yourself. Talk you into things that you do not want to do or feel comfortable doing because "they know best." I can tell you right now I have been through that far too many times in my life. From friends to my ex husband to others close to me that line of "you cannot handle things, or you will not be able to handle things without me" is a control tactic I am sick of. And at 37 it is now the time to say enough. I am a decent person, I am a quiet person and for the most part I am happy. But the more important part is my son is happy. Our happiness should never come under threat because his mother cannot stand up to an obvious bully. But I will say it is not easy, this bully will come at me with ammo blazing attacking my personal appearance, my life style choices and other things that are none of their concern or business. They are of the mindset that our being family is enough to over step bounds. Then and I do fear will throw up the fact that they took me in when I was in need instead of seeing that it was helpful but now they need to back off.
I realize now I truly have to face this person and get them completely out of my personal space for my son's and my own mental health. I know by doing so it will cause a riff, will possibly cause me stress that I don't need or want right now. But it is necessary, because this person is used to getting their way. They are going to try to manipulate the situation and already have tried to (IE in calling right before I am starting a long work day to stress me out. This was after the letter I wrote to them telling them when I was off work if they wished to talk I would gladly be available to.) But you see with someone like that it takes the control away. I already decided not to play into that, since I had informed them when I get off work if they wished to talk we could do so then. But I know confrontation is inevitable, they don't respect me as an adult, so of course I am bracing myself for a torrent of nastiness because I am not playing their way. You see people like that they thrive on the thought that they are smarter then the person they are trying to bully. They are trying once again to control the situation and this time I am going take my own control. This was not easy for me to admit but I think the time to shed light on it is long over due. No one should be made to feel incompetent by someone claiming to love them. No one should have a person stepping over personal and parental bounds or being disrespected because they accepted help. If a person is doing things on their own it should be encouraged not taken as a sign of insult. Treating an adult as if they are incapable of functioning without you is the major mark of a bully, and I am not going to allow this kind of behavior in my life anymore.
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